I livet, safely unsafe


 It is a strange thing taking place inside and around when one let go of the safety that surrounds. Safety, even when it slowly suffocates… but it is what one knows and is prepared to handle. 

I started this year by letting go… I untied the familiar bonds to my, what I once thought, life companion and my sons father. I had known for many years that I was lost in our relationship, lost in feelings that no loger was to be found. Deep down inside I knew that there was just one road left for me to go, towards unknown grounds. What needed to be done was letting go. A feeling of sadness, deep as the ocean…

 I was there, aching to let go. I had been there, in my mind and body, for a very long time. But what about the other part? He was not there, at all. My son was not there, at all. So how can I possibly be the one to hurt them? Hurt our friends? Hur our surrounding familys? Disappoint and fail them…diappoint and fail my self…

The feeling of an abyss opening under my feet, swallowing me and my unwanted loss of emotions, of love for my other half. He still had, and has, my respect and friendship but is that enough? No. The answer is no. Why? Because no one deserves to be locked up in a life where the key is missing. The key in a relationship is love. Without love we slowly wither…Both parts will hurt.

 I finally understood what had to be done. Neither I nor he deserved to be in a relationship that was slowly but surely extinguishing our flame. By me staying, he would gradually adapt to being less and less appreciated. Less and less sure of his worth. Dragging him with me in my despare of not daring to let go, for what I thought then, safety first, for all others…

 I am wiser now. We are wiser. Scarred, bruiced after a year of unfamiliar unsafety. Adapting to a new way of life. But looking back we have now gained our pride and self-worth. Looking back now, I see clearly that we all survive through hardships. After a year of feeling safely unsafe, all of us who have been affected by my decision of letting go… are now feeling blessed by discovering a new way of life. Curious. And best of all. We made it all the way, still being the best of friends.

”You May not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful- Or where you wanted to be.

You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to”




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